Fool's Paradise - Infinity on a Shoestring: THE ABECEDARIAN PROJECT

LATELINE: Stephen Long lays to rest four eyes for two, in a fit of non-economic abandon, frightening the living daylights out of Leigh Sales

2010-07-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Although he strenuously attends to the details of presenting himself as a conservative fellow, Stephen Long has never fooled me. And tonight, on LATELINE, Mr Long's rebellious essence filtered through his veneer of cautious demeanour, when he appeared for his mere 3 minutes of weekly glory, discussing matters economic with anchor Leigh Sales, SANS SPECTACLES!!!

The shock was writ large over Ms Sales' face:

Just how much can a girl take?

To those who only know Mr Long with his glasses on, here is the new naked truth:

A rebel is born…

The old Mr Long, bespectacled then (now laid to rest):

Generous to a fault, Mr Long has donated his now redundant glasses to the ABC's Memorabilia Department

Captioned text within pictures:

001: The perils of live visual current affairs presentation: Leigh Sales gets a frisson when Economics Correspondent Stephen Long exposes himself on LATELINE, 30^thJuly 2010

002: Stephen Long, the ABC's usually modest Economics Correspondent, exposes his naked eyes to Leigh Sales, anchor of LATELINE, on the evening of 30^th July 2010, for the first time, explaining her frisson.

003: Nostalgia aside, did the bespectacled Stephen Long, pictured here giving the economic lowdown to Ticky Fullerton on LATELINE on 23^rd July 2010, have his mojo patently held back by those skulduggerous glass windows?

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LATELINE: Tony Jones sets splendiferous sartorial standards as Lateline anchor, burning all his white shirts!

2010-05-13T13:14:00.001-07:00

You've got to hand it to Tojo, aka SilverToes, for consistently turning out so well presented in his role as LATELINE anchor three nights a week on Australia's favourite Aunty, the ABC. And all without a stitch of white in his shirts.

Memo to Jonathan Holmes of Media Watch:

Always wear a tie Jonathan, not just sometimes! How could you not expect a serious effort in the half hour ahead, when you tune in and see a man turned out as smartly and professionally as Tony Jones always does? It's simple visual psychology, proven repeatedly, from day dot.

Use Tony Jones as your template – you could do worse.

Unless, Jonathan, you don't take your efforts, and the efforts of the Media Watch team behind you, seriously… A simple thing, a tie, for ten or fifteen bloody minutes once a week! Pretty please…

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LATELINE: Leigh Sales gets famous historian, Professor Simon Schama, to loosen up and reveal his vulnerable soft centre in a PRIVATE interview…

2010-03-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

Before the PRIVATE interview, Lateline's co-anchor, Leigh Sales, conducted another one of her numerous memorable for all the right reasons interviews, this time with an icon among modern historians, Columbia University Professor Simon Schama, who had to be one of the most visually entertaining academics Lateline has ever had on.

Not content with treating us with his dynamic vocal fluctuations, Professor Schama wowed us all with a wonderful range of gesticulatory emphasis which drove home his softly uttered words in dulcet tones of considered analysis. This Marcel Marceau performance meant I would have watched him even if the sound failed.

It was as though, from the point of view of his exuberance, Graham Norton had graduated in History and was in the hot seat at Lateline; it was as though, from the point of view of kookiness, a levelheaded Barnaby Joyce had taken up History and was Ms Sales' guest on the subject.

And then there was the PRIVATE interview, in which Ms Sales demurely brought up the rumours of Professor Schama's being as camp as Gadaffi's tent…

More pictures coming…

Captioned text:

001: After Monday night's main interview with Professor Simon Schama on Lateline, March 15^th 2010, discussing the Obama Presidency in a historical context, co-anchor Leigh Sales decided to get the usually staid Professor to lighten up, by tickling him under the desk with her foot.

002: "Professor, you doubtless have heard the rumours that you're as camp as Gaddafi's tent, but I don't believe that for a moment;" Ms Sales told the esteemed historian, adding, "in fact I find you a very charming if titillating, even yet living a life that is gay, brisk, and debonair, educated manly man."

Professor Schama thoughtfully considered Leigh Sales' compliment, all the while struggling to hold back tears.

003: "Oh, well thank you Ms Sales, and yes, I've heard the rumours," Professor Schama rejoined.

"You've probably read that on Payton L. Inkletter's blog, Fool's Paradise – Infinity on a Shoestring, but by golly, he's just a koala bear from Perth for heaven's sake!"

"A red-blooded bull koala by all accounts, though," Leigh Sales came in.

"By all accounts?" Professor Schama questioned. "It's not what I've heard."

"But what about Missus Inkletter?" Ms Sales returned, "A highly satisfied female, if you know what I mean."

004: "Hurrumph! Give me one independent reference to back that claim up Ms Sales," Professor Schama demanded.

"Well, er…, um, well, his veracity is highly regarded, and when you read his blog it's clear that he does his utmost to more than satisfy his wife's voracious appetite, if you know what I mean," Leigh Sales stumbled.

"No serious historian worth his manicured fingernails relies solely on one sadly suspect source for authenticity Leigh!" Professor Schama sweetly thundered, emphasising his sibilant esses.

005: "Okay, fair enough I suppose, but then how many independent sources would you accept?" Leigh Sales quizzed Professor Schama. "Bear in mind (pun intended) it's a private matter, so it could be challenging to verify."

Embarrassment, or perhaps an urge to giggle, began to mount in the shy professional journalist, and she did her best to conceal it behind a smile.

006: "Five!" Professor Schama boomed with not a moment's hesitation.

Realising that this could be impossible, Ms Sales' natural bargaining ability kicked in, doing the long line of her father's patriarchs proud, who earned the surname 'Sales' back in the mists of antiquity, throwing "Make it two?" at the academic.

"I'll settle for three, and not a source less!" he snapped back, struggling with the esses in the last two words.

007: Realising he'd gained the upper hand at last, Professor Schama decided to change the direction of this 'interview after the interview', and give free rein to his natural teaching predilection, the equal of Ms Sales' salesmanship predilection. "How about I teach you how to be more expressive during your Lateline interviews Ms Sales?" he asked-suggested with a beckoning smile impossible to decline.

008: Ever gracious, Ms Sales immediately agreed, asking "You mean using my hands?" to which Professor Schama came back, "Oh yes, and your arms and your face darling, but one thing at a time!"

009: "How's this Professor?" Ms Sales queried the learned gentlebody, diffidently holding her hands up a bit from the desk.

"Sweetie, that's a start I'll grant you, but I'm not moving my hand till you spread those fingers a bitsy witsy more and lift your handypoos a tad higher," Professor Schama snarled with all the threat of a hurling champignon.

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LATELINE: Leigh Sales conducts RESTRICTED interview with Mark Arbib and Scott Morrison, demonstrating that boys will be boys...

2009-12-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

It’s not often that the Canberra pollies loosen up enough to show their private selves, but see if you don’t agree that Leigh Sales, the ABC’s Lateline co-anchor, successfully wiped clear a fascinating, if risqué, window into an unseen side of Minister for Employment Participation Mark Arbib and Opposition Spokesman on Immigration Scott Morrison during a rare RESTRICTED interview after the standard palaver tonight...

More pictures coming…

[Captioned text:
001: After advising viewers to send their kiddies to bed, ABC Lateline's Leigh Sales commenced her RESTRICTED interview - hot on the heels of the standard Friday night political Fight Club palaver - with Labor's Mark Arbib and The Liberals' Scott Morrison.

002: The lads, Mark Arbib on your left, Scott Morrison on your right, started out by trying to mirror the stance and moves of the other, a ploy which lasted but seconds, each thrown off by Leigh Sales' opening remarks…

003: “Which Muppets character would you consider the other to most resemble?” Ms Sales put to the pair, in a brilliant scheme to lull them into a false sense of security regarding the real direction of this RESTRICTED interview.

004: The two politicians studied each other to find the quintessential Muppet in the other striving to come out, all the while trying to stifle their urge to give vent to a guffaw, and thrown somewhat by the deadpan manner in which Leigh Sales asked the question.

005: However, their grasp on reality having not entirely slipped yet - due to some nefarious drink spiking done by Ms Sales a little earlier after their first interview (more on this later…) - they recollected their senses momentarily, and in unison put to Leigh Sales:
“You're taking a lend of us, right?” still in disbelief, adding
“We're parliamentarians Leigh, not flipping Muffins, er, Muppets!”

006: “I couldn't be more serious if I tried Mr Arbib, Mr Morrison, now surely you can actually answer a simple question in one go for once in your snivelly and blasted politically saturated lives?” Leigh Sales slipped, hissing in a controlled monotone, but one which could not conceal the years of frustration that had been building inside her from being at the mercy of countless oleaginous elected officials, intent on pushing her around, on shadow dancing around the issues.
However, her professionalism quickly reasserted itself, and she added, “Oh, forgive me boys!”]

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LATELINE: Leigh Sales effortlessly draws out the better in the pollies Morrison and Arbib

2009-12-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

[Caption text: No prizes for working out why it’s easy to want to follow current affairs on Aunty ABC!

Leigh Sales demonstrated again what artificiality-free looks, sounds, and feels like with her unaffected approach to hosting Lateline.]

LATELINE: Ticky Fullerton delivers us a rollicking interview with Sir Harold Evans; a delight, a treat, a bonbon; come back again Sir Harold!

2009-10-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

Is Death by Cleavage a Crime?

What a welcome relief it is when our highly talented ABC journalists get to interview a truly interesting person outside of politics! Ticky Fullerton brought we the Australian public of discerning taste (Aunty’s faithful) a treasure of an interview this night with Sir Harold Evans, who holds the distinction of having been sacked by Rupert Murdoch, and I congratulate the old knight for this rare honour.

Ms Fullerton clearly enjoyed this opportunity to speak with Sir Harold, as did Sir Harold, and the resultant chemistry was joyetry in motion.

How many folk are left who read some of the first output from Gutenberg’s press, read by mammoth fat candlelight? Sir Harold has seen and done it all, covered in his memoir, ‘My Paper Chase’.

I would advise Ms Fullerton to conceal her cleavage next time she wins an interview with the old treasure, lest she be the cause of his expiry, albeit with a smile on his face, on screen. His missus, Tina Brown, would not be amused.

[Caption text: Radiating yet again, Ticky Fullerton gave us a treat with her interview with Editor at Large of The Week magazine, 81 year old Sir Harold Evans, on Lateline on 22nd October 2009.

It was a rollicking chat about Sir Harold’s life in newspaper publishing, thoroughly enjoyable, but I did sustain a low level of stress lest the dear old treasure should expire, not helped by Ms Fullerton’s inch and a half of exposed cleavage.

Somehow the old origami oracle made it through to the end, but I suspect he had to lie down to recover from Ms Fullerton’s abounding charms.

Congratulations and thank you to Ms Fullerton for drawing such pearls of wisdom, humour, direct speak, and appealingness from this doyen of newsprint; thank you Sir Harold for giving of yourself so generously for we Aussies’ enlightenment and entertainment; look after yourself and come back again!]

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MEDIA WATCH: Jonathan Holmes, radical, shocks audience by putting on a necktie

2009-10-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

Jonathan Holmes messing with our heads?

As mentioned in the text on the accompanying image, I was thrown so suddenly when I walked into the lounge and beheld Jonathan Holmes wearing a tie, that I hit the floor – fortunately carpeted – bumping my head, and was out like a light that’s just been turned off, or if you’d prefer, a low wattage flouro that just blew.

Well, perhaps that account is not entirely accurate: let’s say I had a frisson-like reaction, and upon recovery was left with a warm fuzzy feeling, but not sufficient to render me incapable of wondering what might have possessed the man to do such a sensible and simple thing; the answer might have something to do with his interviewing of ABC Managing Director Mark Scott, and so Holmes’ boss would likely watch his show tonight; then again, it may have been unrelated.

All I can say is, regardless of the serendipitous intersection of events that had Mr Holmes tying the Windsor Knot (unless he resorts to those elastic looped fakes): Jonathan, please make it a habit, for even though many of us of the hairier gender don’t like the things (we’d prefer to breathe), they are the iconic sign of well dressed men; human psychology will see to it, whether we like it or not, that you will be taken a bit more seriously in your presentation of what at times are – and often fairly so – scourging critiques of the inhabitants of the media jungle.

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Lateline: Iran’s pursuit of nuclear arms and its desire to drive Israel into the sea make for gloomy but salient interview

2009-10-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

The elegance of Ms Sales’ appearance belied the seriousness of the subject matter she discussed with Mark Fitzpatrick of the International Institute for Strategic Studies tonight on Lateline, or did it? for perhaps the gravity of the topic called for a degree of formality nothing less: the pursuit of a nuclear weapons capacity by Iran.

With gravitas throughout the almost ten minute interview, these impressive interlocutors covered the dispiriting developments, and the possible consequences, of nuclear arming a regime publicly committed to the annihilation of the state of Israel.

Truly awful aftermaths hang on but threads as Israel witnesses the clear pursuit by a sworn lethal enemy of nuclear arms. Hatred and stupidity, mixed with the hallucinogen of divine sanction, are deeply embedded on both sides of this sorry state of affairs in the Middle East.

Wisdom, maturity, forbearance, and love are needed to effect the sharing of the Levant between Jew and Palestinian; generations on both sides have been born there now; they are essentially identical racially; must they shed oceans of blood again?

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LATELINE: Proof, if it was needed, of why the ABC is still worth every penny: David Finkel’s dignified and gracious interview with Leigh Sales

2009-09-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am very glad I got to see this blue diamond of an interview.

Ms Leigh Sales was joined by Mr David Finkel, Pulitzer Prize winning Washington Post journalist, to discuss the human condition silhouetted in conflict ravaged Baghdad in 2007 among soldiers of the U.S.A.’s 2-16 battalion.

I, like undoubtedly a huge proportion of the viewers privileged to watch this interview, was moved by the pain, trauma, courage, and persistence of the soldiers, called to do their country’s military bidding. Mr Finkel spent many months with them, and wrote his testament, ‘The Good Soldiers’, to what these young people went through after his profound experience.

This interview was saturated with dignity, controlled emotion, and graciousness, as well as an inspiring humility; it was an enlightening experience on many levels.

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LATELINE: Fire and earth, wind and rain, Chris Mooney meets our Leigh Sales to talk science literacy, or rather the lack thereof

2009-09-17T00:07:00.002-07:00

This was another satisfying interview given to us by Aunty and one of her LATELINE anchors, Leigh Sales, discussing the decline of scientific understanding among the ‘yoosay’ public with Chris Mooney, co-author of ‘Unscientific America’, Thursday evening, September 17^th 2009.

Thanks to Ms Sales’ preparation and enabling questioning, overlayed upon her keen intellect, Mr Mooney was able to delineate very well upon the problem of scientific illiteracy in the U.S.A. I’m sure this would be reflected here in Australia.

Mr Mooney made a salient point: more attention by the general population to becoming scientifically literate would impart very valuable critical thinking skills, skills which would be highly serviceable elsewhere. I second that: try wading through the political bullshit we are fed constantly for one; assessing the advertising fantasies we are bombarded with for another.

And what about that wild hair style Ms Sales brought to the desk tonight? Hot! Tsssttt!

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LATELINE: Leigh Sales wields the whip hand and extracts praise with faint damns from Craig Emerson for Tony Abbott in a disciplined interview

2009-09-16T01:07:00.000-07:00

You can look forward, as a rule, to good entertainment value, whenever Tony Abbott fronts up for an interview. To the polly’s credit, he doesn’t shirk interviews, even when it would be far preferable to stay curled up in bed in the foetal posture, sucking one’s thumb; believe me, for I am not known for bullshit, nor bovine backsides’ output.

Way back in late 2007 it took Prime Minister John Howard’s order to blast Mr Abbott into space for three weeks to get rid of him during the election campaign, after an earthy exchange with Nicola Roxon, the then Shadow Health Minister; if he had his way he would have been in front of as many microphones and cameras as possible regardless; don’t believe me?: ‘WARRINGAH: Health Minister Abbott blasted into space for 3 weeks by Howard; no bullshit’.

Lateline’s midweek onwards anchor, Leigh Sales, kept the the boys in line, cracking the whip a few times just to remind them whose show it was.

Mr Emerson remained restrained, civil, even polite, as did Mr Abbott, but it took a determined Mr Abbott to get him to smile; not even his reference to the Archangel Gabriel leading the Opposition did the trick; only later, with a tit for tat offer of acknowledgment of each side's good work did a grin break forth finally from Mr Emerson.

The interview ended on a charmingly goodwill saturated and pleasant note, to the credit of the anchor and the two sparring partners.

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7.30 REPORT: Grave fears held for health of Kerry O’Brien, as young ABC fillies take over his program

2009-09-09T01:07:00.000-07:00

(Listen to Payton L. Inkletter read this story)

Backyard Grave Fears Held for Kerry O'Brien

It’s been weeks since the ABC’s king of current affairs has been sighted, leading to justifiable concerns that Mr Kerry O’Brien – ‘Kezza’ to his mates – has fallen victim to foul play.

Federal Police have contacted Payton L. Inkletter and requested that he cooperate with their investigations; Commissioner Tony Negus hastened to scotch rumours that Mr Inkletter is a bear of interest: “Mr Inkletter wouldn’t hurt a spitfire caterpillar, it’s just that he has long established a flair for working out what’s really going on, you know, a kind of body language sleuth.”

Ms Polly ‘By Golly’ Whodunnit, crime reporter for the Sydney Morning Feral, asked Commissioner Negus “How does it feel to be on a case this big, but three days into your new position?”

“I’m shit scared, er… sorry, I’m very nervous, truth be told,” the Commissioner candidly admitted, adding “it’s by far the biggest case I’ve been involved in over my past 27 years with the AFP.” He wiped the sweat from his brow with an Apprehended Violence Order, and went on, “Look, I wish Mistah O’Brien would just turn up, in one piece, and looking ten years younger, you know, like he always does every year when he takes his extended leave.”

Ms Whodunnit jumped in “Oh, by the way sir, what do you think of all this plastic surgery the great television journalist and presenter indulges in?”

“Oh, is that so, well look, you’ve given us another lead, you know, what with the drugs and scalpels and pointy things those dudes use,” Commissioner Negus replied.

Beginning to get on a roll, helped by the relative and uncharacteristic reserve of the assembled press pack (possibly due to the mysterious and carefully timed flood of incoming Twitters to their mobiles and Blackberries from what appeared to be a couple of ABC presenters) at this specially convened conference outside the ABC’s studios in Ultimo, Ms Whodunnit braved this next question: “Sir, could Malcolm Turnbull have an insider here in Ultimo, a kind of super cool Godwin Grech with a motive, you know, who’d even take the esteemed presenter out?”

“What, just because Mistah O’Brien bludgeoned Mr Turnbull in that bristling interview back on the 10^th of August? Ummm, well now that you mention it, Turnbull does have a motive… thanks, we’ll follow that one up.” The Commissioner jotted something down in his notebook. “Any ideas on who the mole could be, Ms Whodunnit?”

“Well yes sir, I do.” She leaned forward and whispered “Rafael Epstein.”

“Rafael Epstein!!” the Commissioner bellowed at the top of his voice, spraying the front two rows of reporters, a performance Sir Les Patterson would have admired. “He wouldn’t step on a snail.”

“He would if it helped him get the Lateline program,” Ms Whodunnit pushed on.

“Fair crack of the whip Ms Whodunnit! We’re here talking about The 7.30 Report, its presenter, or more strictly, its lack thereof,” the Commissioner rolled his eyes. “What’s Lateline got to do with it? What’s that sexy chick’s name who runs it from Wednesdays on, you know, the red head? She segues on to that elegant bird who’s on straight after her.”

The formerly occupied press scrabble suddenly took note, and, like one of those perfectly choreographed impossibly thick and fast schools of fish, began texting Sex Discrimination Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick.

“I’m glad you asked Commissioner Negus,” Ms Whodunnit replied, “coz it’s those two women who I think you should be having a long cup of tea with next, making sure you’ve got two pairs of handcuffs jangling near your belly and whatever hangs from it!” Her colleagues let out a loud HURRAY! in a unison matching their synchronised texting of earlier.

“Now now little missy dear,” the Commissioner dug himself deeper, “you don’t have to be rude. But what are those broads’ names?”

“I’ll ignore those last denominators sir, but I’ll give you the names you’re after,” Ms Whodunnit paused for effect, flicked the next page in her notebook over, and held up two pictures, slowly turning 360 degrees. The gasps were long and threatened to hyperventilate their owners. “Leigh Sales and Ali Moore!”

“One minute you’re blaming The Rafster, now you’re trying to frame Ali Sales and Leigh Moore, you’ve got something wrong with you, dollface!” the Commissioner frowned, adding “Have you got your period?”

Like a North Korean military parade march, the press mob frantically texted off again to Elizabeth Broderick, except for one of them, a scruffy fellow with a three day stubble, who called out “Commissioner, there’s method in Ms Whodunnit’s madness. Those pictures are straight from that sleuthhound Payton L. Inkletter’s website, Fool’s Paradise – Infinity on a Shoestring, and I’ve been following his reasoning as well as my colleague in the frock. You do need to speak to Ms Sales and Ms Moore.”

“And where have you crawled out from sonny boy?” came the response from beneath the hat.

“I’m Chuck ‘Knuckledustah’ Itwozzuntmee, underworld correspondent for The New York Grimes.”

“Okay buster, spill your guts. What’s in it for the dames? – turning Mistah O’Brien into cray bait. And what’s lovely Raffy got to with it? Pray tell, I’m all ears.” The Commissioner did an exaggerated yawn.

“Listen carefully then butterfly chop,” Mr Itwozzuntmee said, “those two fillies have been the anchors on The 7.30 Report for two or three weeks now, charming audiences, and not a word, no mention, of the great Kezza himself. Don’t you find that curious?”

Commissioner Negus drolly replied “Barnacles ahoy! Time to pull anchor! Maybe ah do, maybe ah don’t, maybe ah will, maybe ah won’t.”

“Did you know that Rafael Epstein is to star in the lead role in the 2012 Bond film, ‘The Neutron That Balded Me’?” Itwozzuntmee pressed on.

“Oh dear me, I confess I didn’t!” Negus yawned the louder.

“And that Epstein wears a Beretta 418 concealed on his person every day, drinks Vespers, grain vodka only?” The New York Grimes reporter thumped his flagon.

“Good god man! Is there a punch line? I haven’t got all day!” the Commissioner’s well manicured fingers doing a fair rendition of a Rachmaninoff solo piece.

“I’ll speak slowly, and I’ll say it only once, you uppity overly decorated snout,” the street wise reporter said, taking a swig, “those sweet ‘harmless ladies’, Muuzzz’s Moore and Sales, they don’t like going home so late, they’d rather be home in time to watch Spicks and Specks, cuddled up with their squeezes, they’re running short of vartarmurn lurv, so these chic chicks strike a deal, they’re gonna share The 7.30 Report between ’em. Only one problem, a big red one: Kezza the Great, that hoary old buffalo, he’s been running that outfit since ninety five, he’s got his imprint all over that joint, he ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

Itwozzuntmee pulled a trademark green pen out of his pocket for effect, to the astonishment of those old enough to remember, and kept it in his right hand as he continued: “So these girls get to thinking, ‘We’ve heard Raffles lament that he’s always on the wrong side of the screen for Lateline, and how he would like nothing more than to kill the program every night at eleven and retire to the well equipped private bar of Mr O’Brien’s back of the Green Room, and smoke, drink, and woo and canoodle the lap dancers till dawn. Let’s offer him the gig, on condition he does a little something for us.’”

You could have heard a pin drop. Spitting his plug of baccy at the feet of the Commissioner, and imbibing a chaser from the flagon, the street hardened reporter kept going, with “That little something is: ‘Raffybabs, the gig you’ve always wanted is yours, just take Mistah O’Brien out.’ Within twenty four hours no-one’s seen hide nor hair of O’Brien’s arse. And there’s one less slug in Epstein’s Beretta.” He blew imaginary smoke from the ‘barrel’ of that green pen.

Jaws were dropping… “If I was you Commissioner, I’d have that little chat to those girls, and send a team of ground penetrating radar operating snouts to comb the backyards of both those ‘bootylicious babes’, as I’m sure you call them, and don’t be surprised to find half of O’Brien at each of them!”

The gaggle of reporters, after getting over the shock, began to create one fine hubbub, scrambling for their vehicles, their mobiles, their gooseberries or whatever they’re called, the commotion was not poetry in motion, more like a riot in locomotion. Ms Whodunnit shouted “Those Twitters, they were sent by Sales and Moore, to distract us, the sassy broads!”

“Mind your language bitch, or you’ll be spending the night in the can!” Negus hollered, while he was packing up his paraphernalia.

Editor’s note: If there are any developments to this horrifying scenario, I’ll post them here…

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LATELINE: Agent 007, aka Rafael Epstein, infiltrates Ultimo, pistol whips Kim Dalton, and takes over Lateline.

2009-09-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

With Kerry O’Brien away, the mice have decided to play, evidenced by Ali Moore and Leigh Sales doing stints on Mistah O’Brien’s (Kezza to his inner circle only) baby, The 7.30 Report, while Rafael Epstein sat in for Ms Sales’ usual Lateline slot. I saved this trio of images on the evening of Thursday 3rd September 2009, for Kezza the Great’s (or his lawyer’s?) perusal, in case he doesn’t believe what’s being going on his absence, assuming he hasn’t met with anything resembling berkerkinistrous play.

The Rafster, bespoken for, cut the nattiest of figures as he fronted the esteemed ABC current affairs program for those who don’t have to get up early. You could almost smell the expensive after shave as he liquidated story after story, and at program’s end he blew smoke out of the barrel of an imaginary pistol, actually one of Mistah O’Brien’s old green pens. He ordered the cameraman to avoid showing the Vesper (Russian grain vodka) on his right, nor his Beretta 418 beside it.

I have it on good authority that Mr Epstein has beaten a galactic field of contenders, including Daniel Craig, to be the next Agent 007 in the 2012 Bond film, ‘The Neutron That Balded Me’. And he is a dead certainty to play Vladimir Putin in the upcoming biographical KGB adventure ‘Bending Spanners, Reddening Banners, & Bugging Bananas’.

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LATELINE BUSINESS: Ticky Fullerton shone as the anchor for this esteemed current business affairs program tonight!

2009-09-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

Who now needs any better reason to watch a Business current affairs program?

Ms Fullerton’s presence was like a memorable sunrise, full of reasons to be glad, to start counting one’s blessings...

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LATELINE BUSINESS: Ali Moore's smile: "Worth the 2+ Mb download, believe me!" assures Payton L. Inkletter

2009-08-11T00:07:00.000-07:00

The charming, elegant, and above all, professional, Ali Moore, has one of the best smiles in current affairs, don’t you agree?

Click here to see a moving gif of a smile that will make your day.

Pictures for the gif file copyright and courtesy of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

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LATELINE: Leigh Sales dressed to grill, thrill, and kill...

2009-08-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

I was all but mesmerised by how pizzazzy Leigh Sales looked in her outfit this night on Lateline.

How could you not be taken seriously when you turn yourself out like this? Add Ms Sales’ intelligence, broad knowledge, and quick wittedness, and you’re likely in for a worthwhile interview.

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LATELINE BUSINESS: Ali Moore - one chic chick?

2009-06-01T00:07:00.000-07:00

I was arrested by Ali Moore's great hair style this night on Lateline Business; she left the boundary of her usual restrained yet graceful styles for this slightly wild and beautiful effect.

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